Happy Thanks Giving day to you and your family sir Richard! Regards to your wife and sons--Gwapo and Pogi.

I am writing this letter to inform you that I will be receiving my diploma as a doctor of medicine 3 months from now. You may not remember me anymore so let me introduce my self. I was your intern at the Philippine Orthopedic Institute when you were having physical therapy for your cervical spondylosis & rotator cuff tendinitis on the 11th month of the year 2008.

Four years ago, on the same occasion, we had this conversation about Thanks giving dinner, turkeys, mashed potato and blue berries that escalated to how restless & work oriented people are in the US which led us to the topic of making the most of the opportunities & finally, pursuing your dreams. I just want you to know that I have made that decision--to go for what I really want and not just settle for what's available and comfortable. 2 weeks after our conversation, the last one at that, I took the NMAT and I was on the 96th percentile. Remember how many times I told you "I don't see my self as a therapist"? I still don't. And I remember how you "analyzed" me: I think you already know what you want, you've already decided. You're just making excuses. I know, I can see, even when I'm not looking at you (he was facing away from me 'cause I was ultra sounding his neck & shoulders) that you'll make a good doctor. i my self don't see you as a therapist! you seem like the kind of person who would do anything to get what you want. so what the hell are you waiting for?

That was the kind of pressure I needed to finally put an end to my misery--to Med or not to Med. I was bedazzled as to how you were able to read me, you've put into words exactly what I was thinking. Your words were borderline confidence-booster to peer-pressure-ish. You were subtle but I can feel it, and we both know, that you were pushing me to settle on going into med school as soon as possible! And that has uplifted that part of me that was dying to be an MD. You literally and figuratively rubbed it in my face that no one except for myself can decide and choose the way to my future, to my contentment, to my happiness. And for that I want to thank you sir Ric. If it wasn't for that pressing and "hemorrhaging" conversation, I'd still be lingering over the what ifs of my life.

We didn't have the luxury of time to really get to know each other but I tell you this, you're about the most influential person in my life, that conversation is the reason I'm where I am today--on the road to who and what I want to be.

Sincerely,

Cess Soriano, MD in progress

this story is "concocted" by one of my bestest friends, Eko. i was intrigued by the title when i checked my inbox. i read it. dang! everything felt so familiar.. a walk down memory lane--a surge of high school memories, DWCL moments.. made me feel tingly all over! and so, im posting it here. plus Eko wants (i mean need) the validation =D

START HERE:

It is a match made in heaven… but heaven refuses to recognize it. I love her yet my love for Him is stronger. I am bound to serve in a world of obedience, poverty and chastity. She is giving it all to me, but I ought not to do the same thing to her. Yet every night, as I lie on my bed, something from the depths of my heart is whispering her name…again and again, forcing me to firmly grasp my rosary of black wooden beads and Italian cord and almost embedding itself in my left hand. Her name echoing in my well-being, begging me to come back… But I just cannot…



I was still a seminarian on training when I first met her. I was deployed then in one of the schools of our Order in the North. I was freshly out from the seminary then and was eager to share what I learned there. I taught basic Theology to seniors and she was one of them. I remember her as the “Agnostic Catholic” who, in every session, always has something to say about my lectures…my beliefs. Twisting my words and injecting them with a generous amount of sarcasm was one of her hobbies. I do not like her attitude then so I decided to do a little “Divine Intervention” to her during lunch break. My goal: to remove the “Agnostic” in her title. But I failed. She is a natural charmer. I should have been straight, kept myself from beating around the bush. We ended up talking about each others dreams and hopes. And for the first time in my life, I fell in love with a being other than God. We immediately became friends. The twisting of words faded and I got used to the sarcasm. After a year, I went back to the seminary, she graduated first in her class and I never heard from her again.




As I was serving my final months as a deacon, I received an e-mail from her. My heart literally jumped. It has been years since I last heard from her. In the letter was a quick summary of her life post-High School. Turns out, she’s in her 3rd year of Pre-Med. And at the bottom, written as a post-script, she’s requesting to meet up with me soon. Perfect timing since I was supposed to run some errands in our Order’s headquarters in the capital. I hit the reply button did the same (narrated a short history of my life after leaving their school) and set the date, time and venue of our first meeting in years. I also told her that in less than 4 months, I will soon become a full-pledged priest. My desire for her gradually faded after we lost contact, but her sudden arrival brought it all back again. It’s like that sharp pain in the elbow when one accidentally delivered a sudden jolt on it… acute, unexpected and painful yet curious.



We met in a fast food joint just across her school. I wore khakis and a blue polo shirt neatly tucked-in. Too “priest-ey”. She was in her white uniform. She looked great in it. We chatted for hours over greasy fast food then she invited me to the apartment she shares with her cousin. I refused at first but she insisted, lured me with a gift she was supposed to give me after her graduation.



The sky was gloomy when we arrived in her place. I had to go in just to be sure. I waited for her in the living room. She came back with a small plastic wrapper and inside was a friendship band which she swore she made herself. She told me that it was supposed to be a “parting gift” for me. I thanked her and she asked me to come with her in the terrace of her room where the view was spectacular. The weather played with us that day. It didn’t rain after all. The gloom was replaced with orange and indigo, the sun disappearing to the East. She nestled her head on my shoulder and whispered that she likes me. Then just like in the movies it happened. She stole a deep, longing kiss in my mouth. I couldn’t move from shock. Her tongue dug deeper and I couldn’t help but give in. We walked in her room, touching each other in all these places without parting our lips. Then we were in a deep trance. I refused to listen to the nagging of Guilt. Not only did the moment when we were merely clad in her blanket do reality delivered a nauseating punch in my gut. She told me that she would want to spend her lifetime in my arms. I also felt the same but I didn’t dare voice it out. I have obligations, obligations for the church and she is not one of them. I thought that it would be too late to back out but I will regret it if I just leave her rot on the dust, waiting for me. Yet I chose my obligations.



Now, as I sit on my bed, hours away from the ceremony that will totally unite me with my dream, I waited and did some deep thinking. I received an e-mail from her 2 days ago delivering hard news. She told me that she is 3 months pregnant. She is begging me to back out and return to her. Until now, I am so confused. Then last night, my sponsor- my hometown’s parish priest and a very good friend of mine- called me, expressing his congratulations for a job well done. Now, I am in this hell that is slowly roasting me. I ruined her life and I am about to ruin mine as well. I eyed the revolver my best buddy (a seminary drop-out) left in my room. I couldn’t do this. Only God can reclaim my little life. Just one click… I pictured her face, my unborn child’s and Father’s in my mind. Then I pulled the trigger. Then for a split second, darkness surrounded me…



After this, will our “match made in heaven” be continued in Heaven? I hope so…

I haven't done this "contemplation" thing in a long while. Same reason as always, laziness. It's a battle I don't have the heart to win.

I won't try to put in the best English I've got coz my goal today is to just say anything that comes off my mind, to be as honest and to stop pretending! Forgive my English. I haven't been a writer since I left the Junior Williamite.

This might be the last break I have before internship and it sucks coz I have so much time I have no other choice but to be problematic about my problems! Med school, love life, seminar, enrolment, cell phone, laptop, Sarah Mclachlan and a bunch of other things.

Let's start with my lovelife. Ca-ching! It's so complicated I don't even know where to start. I don't know if it's right to say "I just had a bad break-up" because I don't even know if there was a relationship to begin with. I hate Macky. I hate that I love him this much when it's so clear that there's no reciprocity between us. He's the only one I ever loved. And he never fails to break my heart. What did I ever do to him that he treats me this way? I hate that he's so knight-in-shining-armor-ish because I get withdrawal-syndrome-ish whenever he suddenly stops! I'm hooked.. he's my addiction. One moment he's so sweet and thoughtful and caring and loving and suddenly he stops and disappears. No call, txt, friendster, none whatsoever for no reason at all. I get mad but there's still this hope deep inside of me that he'd say hi one day. It's pathetic how I rationalize about why he's suddenly out of reach when it's very clear he's busy caressing someone else. I was mad when I found out about this other girl as I was scanning through his friendster account. I'm hurt but what pisses me more is the fact that he didn't even had the decency to tell me, because I've been bragging him to tell me to stop bothering him if he didn't want me anymore! To think that our last conversation on the phone, which I can vividly recall, included him asking me to be his girlfriend. We even joked about being married. He was my husband and I was his wife. It's really silly but those were the happiest days of my life. It wasn't all that bad. (you see? It's not even a day and I've changed perspective. Hate him, love him, hate him, love him and the viscious cycle never ends.) It feels different when he's there. I've never felt more complete when we're together. I miss the holding hands, the joking around, the long nonsense talks.. He says things I never expected that he remembers things from our 1^st relashionship 5 years ago after all the girlfriends he's had. It made me love him even more.

And I haven't finished this hate massage and tada! Everything's fine again. The situation is okay now but I still am not okay. This is my life. Everything is a change

Okay. Enough with the Macky-talk. I'm going nowhere with that topic-the vicious cycle. Let's talk about something more important, something more life-defining. My bid for an MD life.

It's time to make the decision.

Whenever people ask me about entering med school I always give the same answer: UNDECIDED. But here's the thing. I don't think I am. I've decided 20 yrs ago. I wanna be a doctor! Yes, and this is called the silent desperation. There are a lot of things stopping me. Well, not really "stopping" me. There's nothing in this world that could stop me from getting what I want it's just that there are a lot of things to consider. Money, for one. And it scares me because it's the greatest hindrance to attaining my goal. I'm scared that my father can't put me through med school so I don't have a choice, I just have to live with the fact that I'm gonna be a PT for the rest of my life. Which brings me to another reason of this "undecided" thing. I don't wanna take the risk of stopping here knowing that I want more. I don't wanna have to ask myself the what if's when I grow old. I don't wanna have to go through that part of life where you think of the coulda, woulda, shoulda knowing that I HAD THIS MOMENT. But what I'm more scared of is that if I'd stop now and be contented of being a PT I wouldn't be able to excel and be the best. I'm afraid of mediocrity. I'm afraid of failing. I don't wanna stop now so that I'd have another reason, an excuse why I still haven't attained my fullest potential. Med school is a great reason why I can't be a good PT! The thing is, I don't think I am. Not in this lifetime.

the dilemma of my life.. but you see, this isn't even a dilemma! i'm comparing 2 guys who i suppose i could grow old with but they don't even reciprocate..
macky, the love of my life.
we love each other but it doesn't measure up---mine's intimate, his is platonic! "we" can really end-up together, it's just not in this life time.
russ, my man whore.
we totally get each other. if you put it figuratively, our eyes can communicate with each other. he knows me more than anyone--i'm talking about the dark, wild and kinky me. i enjoy talking with him because he gets my innuendos, he doesn't intimidate me and i don't feel the need to hold my thoughts--just lay every thing on the table, i can get naked with him (figuratively and literally, haha). but here's the thing, we haven't met in person yet. we have a common friend & he set us up to be text mates (june 2006). since then, we've shared a lot of talk (mostly about sex) and unloaded lots of horniness--in this uptight society, how liberating can that be?
he's the one but he's not the one. i enjoy him but i know deep in my heart he'll just be my man whore. if i could just pick his qualities and put it on macky then macky would be perfect. but you see, i don't care that macky's not perfect, that he hurt me a lot, that he don't get me, that i have to explain my innuendos to him.. i just want him in my life. he's the one i'd like to grow old with..