the dilemma of my life.. but you see, this isn't even a dilemma! i'm comparing 2 guys who i suppose i could grow old with but they don't even reciprocate..
macky, the love of my life.
we love each other but it doesn't measure up---mine's intimate, his is platonic! "we" can really end-up together, it's just not in this life time.
russ, my man whore.
we totally get each other. if you put it figuratively, our eyes can communicate with each other. he knows me more than anyone--i'm talking about the dark, wild and kinky me. i enjoy talking with him because he gets my innuendos, he doesn't intimidate me and i don't feel the need to hold my thoughts--just lay every thing on the table, i can get naked with him (figuratively and literally, haha). but here's the thing, we haven't met in person yet. we have a common friend & he set us up to be text mates (june 2006). since then, we've shared a lot of talk (mostly about sex) and unloaded lots of horniness--in this uptight society, how liberating can that be?
he's the one but he's not the one. i enjoy him but i know deep in my heart he'll just be my man whore. if i could just pick his qualities and put it on macky then macky would be perfect. but you see, i don't care that macky's not perfect, that he hurt me a lot, that he don't get me, that i have to explain my innuendos to him.. i just want him in my life. he's the one i'd like to grow old with..

I haven't done this "contemplation" thing in a long while. Same reason as always, laziness. It's a battle I don't have the heart to win.

I won't try to put in the best English I've got coz my goal today is to just say anything that comes off my mind, to be as honest and to stop pretending! Forgive my English. I haven't been a writer since I left the Junior Williamite.

This might be the last break I have before internship and it sucks coz I have so much time I have no other choice but to be problematic about my problems! Med school, love life, seminar, enrolment, cell phone, laptop, Sarah Mclachlan and a bunch of other things.

Let's start with my lovelife. Ca-ching! It's so complicated I don't even know where to start. I don't know if it's right to say "I just had a bad break-up" because I don't even know if there was a relationship to begin with. I hate Macky. I hate that I love him this much when it's so clear that there's no reciprocity between us. He's the only one I ever loved. And he never fails to break my heart. What did I ever do to him that he treats me this way? I hate that he's so knight-in-shining-armor-ish because I get withdrawal-syndrome-ish whenever he suddenly stops! I'm hooked.. he's my addiction. One moment he's so sweet and thoughtful and caring and loving and suddenly he stops and disappears. No call, txt, friendster, none whatsoever for no reason at all. I get mad but there's still this hope deep inside of me that he'd say hi one day. It's pathetic how I rationalize about why he's suddenly out of reach when it's very clear he's busy caressing someone else. I was mad when I found out about this other girl as I was scanning through his friendster account. I'm hurt but what pisses me more is the fact that he didn't even had the decency to tell me, because I've been bragging him to tell me to stop bothering him if he didn't want me anymore! To think that our last conversation on the phone, which I can vividly recall, included him asking me to be his girlfriend. We even joked about being married. He was my husband and I was his wife. It's really silly but those were the happiest days of my life. It wasn't all that bad. (you see? It's not even a day and I've changed perspective. Hate him, love him, hate him, love him and the viscious cycle never ends.) It feels different when he's there. I've never felt more complete when we're together. I miss the holding hands, the joking around, the long nonsense talks.. He says things I never expected that he remembers things from our 1^st relashionship 5 years ago after all the girlfriends he's had. It made me love him even more.

And I haven't finished this hate massage and tada! Everything's fine again. The situation is okay now but I still am not okay. This is my life. Everything is a change

Okay. Enough with the Macky-talk. I'm going nowhere with that topic-the vicious cycle. Let's talk about something more important, something more life-defining. My bid for an MD life.

It's time to make the decision.

Whenever people ask me about entering med school I always give the same answer: UNDECIDED. But here's the thing. I don't think I am. I've decided 20 yrs ago. I wanna be a doctor! Yes, and this is called the silent desperation. There are a lot of things stopping me. Well, not really "stopping" me. There's nothing in this world that could stop me from getting what I want it's just that there are a lot of things to consider. Money, for one. And it scares me because it's the greatest hindrance to attaining my goal. I'm scared that my father can't put me through med school so I don't have a choice, I just have to live with the fact that I'm gonna be a PT for the rest of my life. Which brings me to another reason of this "undecided" thing. I don't wanna take the risk of stopping here knowing that I want more. I don't wanna have to ask myself the what if's when I grow old. I don't wanna have to go through that part of life where you think of the coulda, woulda, shoulda knowing that I HAD THIS MOMENT. But what I'm more scared of is that if I'd stop now and be contented of being a PT I wouldn't be able to excel and be the best. I'm afraid of mediocrity. I'm afraid of failing. I don't wanna stop now so that I'd have another reason, an excuse why I still haven't attained my fullest potential. Med school is a great reason why I can't be a good PT! The thing is, I don't think I am. Not in this lifetime.